I practice little of what I preach. An honest addition, I hope, that really is beginning to say it all to me. You see since I found God, I’ve been telling everyone that they should clean up their lives; make them simple, enjoyable fun. All my advice has been for the best of those around me, while I never seemed to realize that I needed to listen to my own advice in many ways. I’ve never moved into the house I’ve been living in, but my things have been here for a year. I’ve been a transient, living in a constant state of change, never realizing that I could find peace if I could find a way to calm down, step away and open my eyes. I started tonight, by cleaning my bathroom.

I would laugh when someone would say that “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” or that minimalism is the key to the future. My mother and I were talking. She asked if I needed help with my things, cleaning, finding the key to my success and I thanked her and told her that this was something I needed to face on my own. It was not that I would not be able to find help, I know many people who would jump at the chance to find out what is in some of the boxes. But in many way’s it’s bigger than what is in one box that is not in another. I’ve been holding memories, problems, anger, frustration, love and a whole variety of other emotions in the things that I have and I’m beginning to understand that it could be a problem to live like that.

It seems that no matter how I live, who I’m with, where I go, how much I go to church, how amazing I feel, I still find myself falling face first into a pit. This is not a pit of despair, it is really a pit of loneliness, and while I have begun to fight this problem, it is still a problem. I fight and I fight, but I surround myself with the things that mirror the problem at me. I walk through the door and wonder why I would even really want to bring someone to my home, because the truth is I’m ashamed of it, and in some ways, my house makes me ashamed of who I am. Now I know that I’m a good person, but I live in a wreck… emotionally and physically. Who wants to be with a person who when things get bad, prays every second she gets and then still ends up, sad, depressed and confused. Left wanting more from everything, though she feels like she has nothing to give, even though she still tries.

Many nights I wind up sitting in my bed, listening to my iPod wishing someone was here to talk to me, tell me things are going to be ok, or just sit and just stare. I find myself afraid to admit that I’m human that I still feel that there is this void in my heart. I almost feel like since I have filled the little God shaped void in my heart, I’ve found this other void that I need to fill and I don't know what I need to fill it, but I know that no matter what I try, I still feel like there is this void.

Maybe I’m putting my hope in something that I don't really understand. Maybe I’m saying that by cleaning and working towards something that I have not had in quite some time, I’ll find the peace and future I’m hoping for. Or maybe I’ll just finally discover my floor. Either way I’ve won.